If World War I Were a Bar Fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a whole new suit because of the new beer stains on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia whose it looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires Russia and what army will stop it.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that its sufficiently out-of-order that Britain not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at whoever it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of looking at anyone.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate-glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, Japan runs over to join the them as they go through Germany’s pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends. Japan keeps Germany’s gold cuff-links, claims the other’s couldn’t have done it without it.

See the sequel, WWII as a bar fight here

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8 Responses to If World War I Were a Bar Fight

  1. JT Long says:

    This is a hilarious analogy!

  2. Pingback: If World War II Were a Bar Fight | The Deadliest Blogger: Military History Page

  3. Joe Public says:

    That is the clearest, condensed, explanation of WW1 that should be taught as Lesson 1 in all secondary schools’ History Lessons.

    Thank you!

  4. Me from Europe says:

    You forgot to mention that Serbia almost knocked out Austria and that Germany and Bulgaria had to step in and push Serbia out of the window.

  5. Pingback: A feel-good Christmas story | TALK & OPINIONS BY SILVIO CANTO JR.

  6. Pingback: IF WORLD WAR TWO WERE A BAR FIGHT! | The Deadliest Blogger: Military History Page

  7. Pingback: SCHLIEFFEN PLAN: A STUDY IN ECONOMY OF FORCE | The Deadliest Blogger: Military History Page

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