MOST “BADASS” MILITARY UNITS OF ALL TIME

There were many “unbeatable” fighting forces throughout history, each in its own day. It is really impossible to objectively say which was the most formidable of all time. Especially as your question isn’t what army, but what UNIT was the most formidable.

I’ll give a list of some throughout the ages, in chronological order, any of which could fit the bill, in the inimitable style of “Bad Ass of the Week’s Ben Thompson:

  • The SEA PEOPLE SHARDANA/SHERDEN SWORDSMEN – Who were these badass Bronze Age Vikings of the Mediterranean, who kicked butt from Sardinia to Syria and brought down the Hittite Empire? Who actually did what the Vikings themselves never did: wear horns on their helmets (as well as some weird looking disc thing!), not to mention a 70s porn-star mustache (eat your heart out, Harry Reems)! They single-handedly ended the Bronze Age and brought on a dark ages that lasted centuries. They were such badasses that the pharaohs couldn’t wait to enlist them as their own elite guard troops!
  • ASSYRIAN QURADU (“HEROES”) – This was the original “Evil Empire”, and this unit was the handpicked bodyguard of its warrior kings. When they weren’t impaling defeated enemies of stakes they were lopping off hands, ears, and heads. The Assyrians made Genghis Khan and his merry band of ballbreakers look like amateurs when it came to atrocities. We don’t know much about the Quradu, an elite within the already elite Royal Guard, but if they were the best of the best within an army that was already the best in the Bronze Age, they at least deserve honorable mention, for f%#& sake!
  • SPARTIATES – The Spartans in their day were so feared that other Greek phalanxes would break and run for it rather than stand and meet them in battle (“This! Is! SPARTA!! Bitch!”). The Spartan full citizens, known as the Homoioi (“The Equals” or “Similars”), these were the greatest soldiers in Greece at a time when the Greek hoplite spearman was kicking everyone’s butt from Sicily to Babylon. Trained to arms and to endure hardship since childhood, the Spartiates were the epitome of the pure warrior. After graduating their childhood-long training, they weren’t even allowed to marry till they were 30, living in the barracks and training for battle every damned day! Bonus points: they practiced their foot work by dancing in full kit, armor, shield, helmet, spear… the full monte! Though never more than 5,000 in number (and usually less than half that), you got to give them credit for dominating all Greece and then some for over a century.
  • THEBAN SACRED BAND – The elite band of 150 paired lovers, these are blokes put the “B” in BADASS, who broke the Spartans in battle at Leuctra, and all while being gay as fuck and damned proud of it! Thebes paid them to do nothing but train and kick ass. Only 300 men, they were the tip of the Theban phalanx, which in battle formed behind them 50 ranks deep and blasted through anyone stupid enough to stand flatfooted while they barreled down on them! Undefeated in battle till they met someone even more badass then they were: Alexander the Great!
  • THE MACEDONIAN SILVER SHIELDS – The Argyraspides were an elite infantry unit that fought for first Philip and then his son, Alexander the Great. Earlier called the hypaspists, on the verge of the Indian campaign they were given silvered shields (hence their name). Harder than Woodpecker lips, by the time of the Successor Wars after Alex’s death they were “old and steeped in vice”! Total bad-asses, they fought and defeated Macedonian phalanxes half their age. “You fight your fathers, you rascals!”
  • THE ROMAN LEGIONS (of the Republic) – With a tactical system superior to all others at the time, the veteran legions of Scipio, Aemilius Paullus, Lucullus, or Caesar were nigh onto unbeatable. Kings rolled over on their backs and pissed themselves before Roman ambassadors, rather than risk war against Rome and her unstoppable legions. These guys were brutal as fuck: when they took a town or city they even slaughtered the livestock and pets. After three wars with Carthage they leveled the city and sowed salt in the earth to make sure the Carthaginians could never make a comeback. From Scotland to the Euphrates River in Iraq they left a trail of bruised, battered and butchered corpses like no one till the Mongols.

See PHALANX VERSUS LEGION: CASE CLOSED

  • BUCELLARII OF BELISARIUS – This was the personal household guards of the great Byzantine general, Belisarius. Starting as an experimental unit of lance-and-bow armed heavy cavalry, they grew from 1,500 to 7,000 men, drawn from the best-of-the-best. With these Justinian’s top general nearly restored the fallen Western Roman Empire. There name means “Biscuit Eaters”, because of the hardtack they carried as rations in the field. So famous was their regiment and its kick-ass commander that defeated enemies, once their wounds mended, begged to join. Even the Huns, notorious terrors of the time, were defeated by and then flocked to join Belisarius’ Biscuit Eaters.
  • The PALADINS OF CHARLEMAGNE – These elite caballarii were Charlemagne’s iron core, helping build the greatest European empire since the fall of Rome. Songs and stories were told about these brutal butt-kickers for centuries, and even Denmark proudly claims to have had one of their own among their number. They smacked the dog snot out of enemies from the Pyrenees to the Danube, and made the name “Frank” synonymous with western Europeans of the Middle Ages.
  • The JOMSVIKINGS – Vikings are badass, right? And what could be more so than a brotherhood of professional Vikings? The Jomsvikings swore oaths of loyalty to each other, allowed no women in their citadel, shared all loot equally, and were the progenitor of other asskickers like the Anglo-Danish Huscarls and the Varangian Guard.
  • VARANGIAN GUARD – Who better to guard your throne than giant Viking warriors, ready to go to Valhalla in your defense? This was the elite “axe-bearing” guard of the Byzantine emperors. Recruited from Scandinavians, Russ, and later Englishmen, these guys not only fought like devils, they partied like it was 1999! “The Emperor’s Winesacks”, they could down a prodigious amount of wine and ale, all the while grinning and whacking enemies in two with axes as long as most of their enemies were tall.
  • THE HUSCARLS – The elite household troops of the Anglo-Danish kings of England, these axe-wielding badasses could decapitate a horse with a single blow of their 5′ long Danish war axe. They whooped-up on the last Viking invaders of England, only to fall fighting against the other warrior elite of the north, the Normans.
  • The NORMAN KNIGHTS – Viking marauders who swapped their longships for destriers, these Norwegian and Danish settlers of northern France carved out kingdoms in England and Sicily, and ruled lands from Ireland to Syria. It was said by Byzantine sources that a charging Norman knight could “charge through the walls of Babylon”! (And they had the balls to sport a VERY avant garde haircut!)
  • TEMPLARS, HOSPITALLERS, AND TEUTONIC KNIGHTS – These orders of warrior monks swore holy vows of brotherhood, celibacy, and to fight like badasses against all pagans, heathens, and enemies of their faith. They created mini-empires of their own in the process. After being the last crusaders driven out of the Holy Land, the Hospitallers (Knights of Saint John) defended first Rhodes and then Malta against a butthorde of Turks, sending the Sultan’s best baddies (see Janissaries, below) squealing back to Istanbul like Potbellied oinkers! In the Baltic States, the Teutonic Knight’s mini-state morphed into Prussia, later the military heart of the German empire.
  • The MAMLUKS – The elite mounted warriors of the Egyptian Ayyubid sultans, these slave soldiers were recruited from Kipchaks, Georgians, and other born horsemen of the Eurasian steppe. Expert with bow, lance, sword, and mace they were only fighters with the skill and solid brass cajones to stop the Mongols in their tracks, and drive the Templars out of their strongholds in the Middle East. They created their own Sultanate in Egypt that lasted till Napoleon. Who was so impressed he took some into his own Imperial Guard.
  • THE SWISS – Known today for their chocolate, watches and tight-lipped banking policies, the stout warriors of the Swiss cantons were once the terror of Europe. After kicking out the Austrians (leaving Duke Leopold dead on the field of Sempach with a skull split like an apple by a Swiss halberd!), and whipping the crap out of the invading Burgundians, they became the most sought-after and feared mercenaries in Europe. They brought back the pike in a BIG way, setting the trend in warfare for the next two centuries. Nobody could stand-up to the steamroller charge of the Swiss pikemen till the French showed that cannon beats phalanx every time!
  • The JANISSARIES – Like the Mamluks these slave-soldiers of the Turkish Ottoman sultans proved real battle-winners. Insidiously recruited from subject Christian families within this militant Muslim empire, they were raised like Spartans from childhood to be pure warrior badasses, faithful to the Sultan and to… well, their faith! They were the first modern European regiment, trained with firearms, halberds, swords, pistols, and bad language! Only lads as fanatical and capable of kicking ass as themselves were able hand them their lunch (see Knight of St. John/Malta above, and Winged Hussars, below).
  • SPANISH TERCIOS – After sending the Moors packing back to Morocco, the Spanish burst out of their back-water end of Europe to become the biggest badasses since the Roman legions. Their “conquistadors” kicked ass all over the world and created an empire that was global in scale. Nobody wanted to fight their tercios (regiments), each of which was a disciplined combined arms unit of pike and shot (first arquebusiers and then musketeers) that broke infantry and cavalry like so many eggs on an anvil.
  • Polish WINGED HUSSARS – As Badass of the Week‘s Ben Thompson put it, “recognized as one of the most eye-skeweringly hardcore associations of asskickers ever assembled”, the Hussaria of Poland kept an endless list of enemies at bay for two centuries, holding onto a huge chunk of eastern Europe in the process. Sporting wings of eagle feathers strapped to their backs and 21′ lances, they were the only heavy cavalry in history that could charge a pike block of infantry with an even chance of coming out on top. Their famous charge at Vienna saved Europe from having to pray faced down three times a day, and sent the Turkish Janissaries scrambling home with their fezzes tucked between their collective legs! If they weren’t the best heavy cavalry in history, I don’t know who was!
  • French KING’S MUSKETEERS – D’Artagnan and company weren’t just fictional swashbuckling badasses, the King’s Musketeers were an elite regiment of sword-and-musket armed asskickers. Don’t be fooled by the feathered hats: these were “killer gentlemen”, who gained rank and prestige by deadly duels, cheerfully skewering each other before breakfast and then off to a tryst with their mistress-of-the-week before dinner. Oh, and in between they stormed fortresses with sword and pistol. And did I mention they were as good on horseback as cavalry as they were on foot? They prided themselves in never backing down in the face of the most withering fire: a group once set up table and ate lunch in range of a fortresses garrison’s fire, and smack-talked any tablemate who flinched at cannon balls whipping past! Pirates just pretended to be Musketeers!
  • The BLACK WATCH – This was the first badass band of brawny highlanders to be formed into an asskicking regiment by the English (how clever to recruit the best of your enemies to fight your other enemies!!), and they never disappointed. In America they faced and sent scampering fearsome native warriors, who learned the painful way that claymore and bayonet beats tomahawk every time! (That, and that these white boys take YOUR scalps, you don’t take theirs motherf#%er!) Whenever the Queen needed to deal with some tribe of spear or tulwar swinging back-country savages, they only had to send in their own back-country skirt-wearing badasses to sort them out. In time it was said that the British Army was only as good as the last crazy highlander in it!
  • Napoleon’s OLD GUARD – Called Napoleon’s grognards (“grumblers”), these guys wore ridiculously tall bearskins on their heads and dared the world to knock them off! They were considered invincible, understandably since whenever they went into battle their enemy got a bayonet up their ass as they fled in terror! They followed Napoleon from the Rhine to Moscow and back, and stomped anyone who got in the little guy’s way. Unlike the Middle and Young Guard, the Old Guard did not break at Waterloo against the Brits: they were busy making sauerkraut out of Blucher’s Prussians at Plancenoit!
  • Shaka’s UBI SIMBA – Who? I hear you ask. This was the elite king’s guard regiment (impi) of Africa’s empire-building answer to Napoleon Bonaparte, Shaka. Their name means the “Black Lions”, and damned if they didn’t lived up to the name! Over a twenty year period Shaka and his Zulu impis kicked ass all across south Africa, and these guys were the tip of the assegai. It was said they could run barefoot (in some of the thorniest ground in the world) for 20 miles at marathon-pace and then break all kinds of bad on whatever unlucky chump earned their ire. When they weren’t sticking their spears up their enemy’s ass, good-old Shaka was impaling the prisoners on wooden stakes! No wonder they were the terror of Africa for generations! They had to learn the rough way that spears and balls the size of Nebraska were no match for rifles and gatling guns!
  • The FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION – What do you get when you create a regiment only open to criminals and men on the run from their own countries (and past), put them through the toughest training in the worst environment on earth (the Algerian desert), with the promise of French citizenship and a new identity at the end of a 5 year enlistment? Only the most celebrated band of badasses since those other legions learned what “Gothic” really meant at Adrianople. Only foreigners were allowed in the ranks, and that meant the French didn’t care all that much what happened to them. They got sent to the ass-end of nowhere, and every time came back singing, with another notch on their collective ammo belts! They’ve left their mark on battlefields from Mexico to Vietnam, and nobody who faced the Legion and lived to tell their grandchildren forgets how much that sucked balls!
  • US MARINE CORPS – Aptly named “Devil Dogs” by their German opponents in WW-I, the Marines have a well-earned reputation as America’s Spartans. Somehow the Marines have consistently been able, in 13 weeks of grueling training, to turn young American lads fresh off the farm (or block) into born-again harder-than-woodpecker-lips killers who have kicked ass on battlefields from Tripoli to Bagdad, and from Mexico to Guadalcanal. They have never lost a battle, even managing to turn the fighting retreat from Chosen Reservoir under pressure from five times as many screaming Chinese troops into a victory, killing 30 times as many of the enemy as they lost! In all of their battles since WW-I, the Marines have an astonishing kill ratio of 1–32, making them perhaps the most lethal fighting force in history. “Come on, apes, you want to live forever?!”
  • The WAFFEN SS – Hitler’s killer elite, the combat arm of the Nazi regime proved a fanatical bunch of ball smashers that gave no quarter, nor asked for any in return. Early on they were all to eager to attack and took disproportional casualties. But by 1943 they were the tip of the spear of the German Wehrmacht, and kicked ass from France to the gates of Moscow. Only the Mongols gained a more unsavory reputation for murder and mayhem. But love them or hate them (mostly hate) you got to tip your hat to their effectiveness. Their panzers stormed across the plains of Ukraine like nobody since Genghis Khan and his pony-riding rough riders! An enemy who faced the likes of the 1st SS Panzer Division never wanted to screw with that bunch again. At Villars Bocage a single SS tiger tank commanded by “panzer ace” Michael Wittman stopped an entire British-Canadian offensive dead in its tracks, and sent them running away with their proverbial tail between their legs!

Special Note: All modern Spec Ops units are among the best trained soldiers in history, and too numerous to go over each and every one.

Honorable Mention to the Samurai warriors of Japan. Though not a unit per se, and so not part of this list, they were (perhaps) the most perfect warriors in history.

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